It wasn’t a bad day. The travel was easy through 240 miles of roundtrip rain. Traffic was light. Lunch was even indulgent and the conversation was spirited.
I am just very impatient.
I want things my way most of the time. I want things when I think they should be done. I don’t like to percolate.
My faithful blog followers know that my husband suffered a traumatic injury last year. That’s over 365 days for anyone counting. It was very hard and miraculous all at the same time. We look back and marvel at the ways God got us through that time. (Read about it here.)
Hold on to that thought. That whole God part. Because I sometimes forget it.
Today was a one-year follow-up appointment. We took off work and drove the 2 hours to Nashville.
I’m not sure what I had expected at the appointment, but whatever it was I didn’t get it. I must have thought the doctor would ask to waltz across the floor with us when he got back the x-rays and that confetti would fall from the ceiling. No doubt they’d break a champagne bottle and throw wreaths around our necks.
I was ready to celebrate.
But that’s not what we got at all. Instead the doctor came in, handed us the x-rays and shrugged.
“It’s still in place,” he said about my husband’s donated elbow.
That’s it? That’s all we get? Just that it’s still there?
Ok, so I need to back up a bit because most people would think that’s a win. And it really is. It’s not a step backward and I am thankful. But for the surgery to be declared a success the allograft needs to “come alive.” Meaning it needs to transfer blood and marrow and begin to act like my husband’s own bone. If it doesn’t, it can deteriorate inside his body and we’re essentially back where we started a year ago.
Right now there is no evidence that it’s doing what we want it to. But there is no evidence against it either. So, there’s that.
If I’m telling the truth I was surprised by all of this. Isn’t a year long enough? Shouldn’t we have answers by now? Can’t we just. move. on?
What is it that you are waiting for? A baby? A new job? Restored health?
I’m there. I get it. I want to never have to see those people at the doctor’s office again. I mean they’re nice and all, but…
All of our anxiety and disappointment stems from a lack of being still. We forget that God is there in the waiting too. He’s not off in the weeds looking for the answer. He’s got it in His mighty hand while we cozy up to Him and wait for him to reveal it to us.
I imagine it as a Father who has the perfect gift for His child. He’s picked it out months in advance and just can’t wait to give it away. But if He doesn’t time it just right it spoils the surprise. It spoils the excitement and loses a bit of it’s glory and awe.
There are lessons in the waiting. Endurance. Perseverence. [sigh] Patience. And Trust.
All of those things are virtues the Father wants to bestow and develop in us and we miss out if we’re the child begging for the gift to be given before the right time.
The anticipation of what He can do in our lives while we wait should be enough for us to always want that white space. We cheat ourselves. We cheat God when we try to move faster than His perfect plan.
Apparently, we have two more years to wait for an “all clear.” This was news to me.
So here I am tonight. Catching up on laundry. Ignoring the dirty floors and wishing I had something more fabulous to cook for dinner. Here I am living my life one more day in the ordinary of our new normal and snuggling up to my Heavenly Father just waiting for Him to show me what spectacular treasure He’s got hidden behind His back.
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