If you are anything like me you haven’t been able to take any time to breathe lately. School started back and my world pretty much went from 0 to 100 overnight. Like many women I try to balance work, kids, husband and house as best I can. I am never good enough…in my own mind.
There are days when I just want to give up. There are days when I just can’t see the reason why I do anything. I never advocate being busy. It is not a crown for me at all. I try to avoid it at all costs, but sometimes despite my best intentions I find myself not being able to keep up.
When I’ve gotten to the point of no return, when I have nothing left to give, that is when I have to take a step back and take a “My day.” I actually have those days marked on my calendar. In red.
These are my “do not disturb” days. These are the days where I can allow myself to say ‘no’ to the favors asked of me. These are the days when pajamas and no chores are permitted. Many of these days I take myself out to lunch, take a long drive or just sit and read for hours.
I used to feel guilty about taking these days off. After all there is always something that needs to be done. It wasn’t until I realized that there is always something that needs to be done that I let go of my guilt.
If I waited until there was finally nothing left to be done, I would never be done.
My relationships would suffer. My health would suffer. My work, my kids and my husband would all suffer if I never made the effort to be done. If I never took the time and guarded it with my life, there would always be something more important. I would never find rest. I could never be at peace. There would never be a time I could find to just be still.
So, today I stole a bit of time and turned it into ‘my day.’ Even though it was a half day of school, I still blocked off my morning to be still. Sure, I threw in a load of laundry, but it’s still in the dryer. I even washed the dog, but she’s super cute and it was nice to spend time with her too. Poor neglected pup.
The amazing thing I find when I take the time to ‘do nothing’ is that is when I learn the most. When I take the time to just sit in the presence of my Jesus it’s much easier to hear His still small voice. And I told him what I just told you.
“I’m so busy, Lord! I can’t find a way out sometimes! I can’t seem to make ends meet and I never know if I am coming or going. And I am so tired of being reminded of how human I am. I am so tired of messing up, letting you down and needing You to pick up all my pieces all the time. You must get so tired of me and my failures!”
And my sweet, precious Savior stopped me in the middle of my lamenting, leaned in and whispered, “Then what was the cross for?”
He always seems to ask me questions that He wants me to find the answers to. Pretty sure it’s just His way of allowing me my free will and growing in wisdom and all that. But sometimes I wish He’d give me a cheat sheet.
So, I thought about His never-ending love for me. How He promised to never leave me nor forsake me. Even when I’m running all over the place trying to get everything done and I leave Him in the dust.
I tried to fathom a love so pure and righteous, even for someone like me. Especially for someone like me. But all that did was leave me even more baffled, humbled and with tear-stained cheeks.
That’s when I realized that not understanding was exactly the point. The moment I can understand. The moment I can get it all together. The moment I can no longer be humble is the moment I can no longer be human, made in His image. A lovely creation made specifically to depend on a holy and mighty God. A servant depending on salvation found only in the everlasting arms of a Master.
A Master willing to die for busy and tired moms like me.