Waiting For Bread

I think I can.

This is the root of all my problems. I think I can.

I think I can make my own plans.

I think I can go my own way.

I think I can do it by myself.

So I do. And I don’t mean the daily tasks we all have like going to work, our children’s activities, homework. I am talking about that one thing that you don’t want others to know that you struggle with.

Insecurity.

Finances.

Worry.

Doubt.

Deceit.

Pride.

Anger.

Addiction.

We all have at least one struggle. One if we’re lucky! But, I always think I can deal with mine on my own. Of course I am always wrong. I wander off and things seem to be going just fine for awhile.  But when I do things my way I’ve separated myself from the Truth, so it’s so much easier to believe the lies whispered in my ear by the enemy:  I’m worthless and stained. I am ineffective for the Kingdom. I am not worth dying for. Someone else, anyone else would be better than me. Jesus can’t love me because I don’t love Him enough.

Can you guess what I struggle with? Insecurity and doubt.

I felt the angst within my soul the other day. It truly is a battle. If there is anything I don’t doubt is that there is a raging battle between good and evil and we are caught in the middle of it. Some days more deeply than others. So I called upon my Savior and I pretty much just spilled all my guts. I was so tired of dealing with the same struggle. Over and over. I was so tired of having to call upon Him. Over and over.

“Jesus, I just get so tired of needing you.  Why does this have to be so hard? Why can’t I just ask you one time to heal my insecurities and erase my doubt? I don’t want to have to depend on you for everything!”

I know. It sounds so shallow and telling it that way makes me a little ashamed, but it’s the truth. What made me even more frustrated was that He was silent. Looking back on it a few days later I have to believe He was just allowing me to spill my guts while He just held me and listened to me. He’s really good at that.

He’s also really great about not leaving me hanging. I just have to be patient for the answer. (Something else I struggle with)! So, today I was digging through an online devotional that I have come to love. Rhetorical Jesus is written by Pastor Jack Wellman and is a great way to start your day. So he had me digging in John 6 this morning, specifically verse 48-50.

“I am the bread of life. Your forefathers ate the manna in the desert, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven which a man may eat and not die.”

What does this have  to do with dealing with our struggles? So, Jesus is the bread of life. Yep. Got it! We know. Now let’s move on.

But I had to slow down because if you remember manna was only provided on a daily basis. The Israelites were only able to get what they needed each day. If they tried to store more than they needed for each day, it would spoil. They had to rely on God every day to provide bread for them to survive.

So if John 6:48 is true, and I believe that it is, Jesus is the bread of life. Manna from heaven. And like those Israelites wandering in the desert we need to rely on Him each and every day to survive this life. The struggles. Insecurities and doubts. Abiding in Him is not something we can do just on Sunday and expect the rest of the week to thrive. Abiding in Him is a daily privilege that as believers, if we are obedient to spend time with Him each day, we won’t starve ourselves and suddenly find ourselves feeling doubtful and insecure. We can rest in the fact that Jesus has exactly what we need exactly when we need it. When we find ourselves wandering in the desert, it’s our faith that sustains us. It’s realizing that we can’t do it alone, make our own plans or go our own way.

Don’t get me wrong. Unlike manna, we can never have too much Jesus. But it’s so comforting to me tonight to realize that He is always exactly the portion I need.

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